I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
