My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
