The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
