you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
