sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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