i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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