Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
