I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Im just a social blackout drinker.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
