This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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