Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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