You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
