I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
my nose is crying tears of wow.
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