im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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