the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
