the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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