his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
