At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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