the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
