forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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