and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
