you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
