I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
