I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
