I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
