"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
