How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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