just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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