On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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