someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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