erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
