Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
