Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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