you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
