matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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