I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
