I just threw up on my dentist
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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