so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
