so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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