we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
