I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Randomize
