Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
not ubering you a puppy
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
