We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
