you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
