He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
