i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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