Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
