She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
