My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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