Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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