dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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