I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
